P.J. O’Rourke: New Year’s resolutions for President-elect Donald Trump

From P.J. O’Rourke in Stansberry Digest:

Dear President-elect Trump…

No offense, Mr. Trump, but you do seem to have a rather high opinion of yourself. And because you think you’re already the best, you may not have bothered with a list of New Year’s Resolutions to make yourself better in 2017.

Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a list for you…

Lay off the Social Media

Take a tip from Teddy Roosevelt. You’re about to get a “bully pulpit.” (The pulpit being possibly too well-named in your case.) Twitter’s for kids.

Did Teddy Roosevelt step down from his bully pulpit and communicate with the American public through a pair of tin cans with a string stretched between them?

Quit Holding Presidential News Conferences

The mainstream media hates you. You hate them. We need more love.

And presidential news conferences are boring. Hold “Presidential Booze Conferences” instead. Reporters love to drink, especially free drinks. They’ll all be on your side before you know it.

This means that you should…

Start Drinking

It’s always been a little worrisome that you’re a complete teetotaler. If you never take a drink, people suspect you’re an alcoholic, or worse.

“In vino veritas.” A lot of Americans are wondering what kind of person you really are deep down inside. Knock back a few and let them see.

Play Even More Golf

Ever since William H. Taft – the first U.S. president to swing a niblick – golf has been a great way for Americans to get our chief executives out of the White House and keep them busy and occupied so that they don’t get into mischief.

During the past 102 years, the only presidents who never played golf were Hoover, Carter, and Truman. Two of them didn’t get reelected and the third dropped A-bombs on Japan before the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade treaty had even been thought of.

Don’t let this happen to you. Keep your head down and follow through.

Work on Your Stand-Up Delivery

You can be funny, but liberal elites and various other solemn and serious types seem to have trouble figuring out when you’re kidding.

Take Ronald Reagan for your model (in this and all other things).

Here’s a joke that – I have it on good authority from someone who worked in the Reagan White House – Ron used to tell in private. Vladimir Putin might enjoy it…

An American and a Russian are talking about how much they hate the presidents of their countries.

The American says, “I hate the president of the United States so much that I pissed on his limousine.”

The Russian says, “I hate the president of Russia so much that I crapped on his limousine.”

The American says, “Well, to tell the truth, the president wasn’t in his limousine at the time.”

The Russian says, “Well, to tell the truth, my pants weren’t down.”

Don’t Redecorate the White House

I’ve seen pictures of the Green Room, the Red Room, the Blue Room. I’ve seen pictures of your penthouse in Trump Towers. No offense to Melania or Louis XVI or whoever you had as your interior designer, but…

Jackie Kennedy did a perfectly good job redecorating the White House in 1961. You should preserve it the way it is. And you should save yourself from having Jackie’s ghost stalk you into the Lincoln bedroom and rip your head off.

Spend More Time With Your Family

You did not score very well in the “likability” polls during the presidential campaign. But everybody likes your kids. They’re well-spoken, good-mannered, and polite.

Maybe you should have your family spend more time with you – and let Ivanka run the country.

Give More to Charity

It will make people feel better about you. It will make you feel better about yourself (if that’s possible).

Spending money on charitable contributions is a good thing to do. However, we know you have a tendency to spend your money in a big, flashy ways so…

No! No! Not the Clinton Foundation!

Get a Dog

While we’re on the subject of likability, nothing makes a fellow more likable than a love for dogs.

To gain extra Brownie points, rescue a big, friendly mutt from the D.C. Humane Society and take it with you everywhere you go.

The half of the country who voted against you will like you more if you have a dog. And the half of the country who voted for you will like you even better if you name the dog “Hillary.”

Have Some Fun With Your Diplomatic Appointments

Members of America’s diplomatic corps are supposed to be international representatives. America at its best. What’s America best at? Kicking butt.

Here’s a short list of “Ambassadors of Butt-Kicking” that the American people would truly enjoy seeing appointed to head the American embassies in various foreign countries, starting with France: Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

And while you’re at it…

Appoint Judge Judy to the Supreme Court

It’s a nonpartisan pick with built-in popularity.

I have no idea whether Judge Judy is a Republican or a Democrat, but she certainly is a “strict constructionist.”

And she has the perfect reply to every kind of nonsensical left-wing argument that gets heard in the nation’s highest court: “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”


P.J. O’Rourke

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